A woman's thought about aging

A few week's ago, I left for my birth country, the Philippines to visit my mother who has been ailing lately. She is 81 years of age and due to rheumatoid arthritis, her activities are limited and this has been very frustrating to her, a woman, who once upon a time, was the busiest socialite in town. She was always the leader, organizer of church and charity events in town and a true public figure. Two years ago, I relocated my parents from the hometown I grew up to a seaside village which is also close to the city and hospitals in case they need them and where my two brothers live close by. My Papa in desperation told me that sometimes, my mother refused to get out of bed. So, I concluded, she must be suffering from depression. Lately, she had been sick and my family thought, perhaps, my presence will make her laugh and feel rejuvenated again.

(My Mama and me on my wedding day)

On my flight home, visions of my Mama invaded my psyche and I remembered vividly how I used to tell my friends that if I could half half of her genes, her beauty and her intelligence, I would not ask for anything else. I kept preparing myself on how to handle her presence, to be extra-sensitive and to plan for activities that will make it easier for transport and less strenuous outings.Perhaps, just a quiet beach vacation will do, where we can just hang around and observe the fisherman with their sailboats and watch the sunrise or sunset.

I was never so wrong in my life. When I arrived at their condo, dinner was ready and she had made my favorite hearty food: fried tuna, vegetable stew with malunggay and ginisang kangkong (sir fry green vegetables). I saw an immaculately clean kitchen with bleached-white kitchen towels neatly ironed then folded on open shelves above the kitchen counter. Bathroom was well-scrubbed with a tankful of water ready for my bath with crisply-ironed bath towels ready for my use. And instead of a whining, complaining sickly woman, here was my mother, chattering the afternoon away, telling me about her new friends in the neighborhood and how much she appreciated me for putting them up on this apartment by the sea. My father amused, confided that she had been busy preparing for my homecoming and have not complained about her aching knees and arthritic hands. She got rid of the cleaning lady who comes every other week and have been doing all the laundry while he did the house cleaning. After opening my suitcase and giving her all my "pasalubongs" (presents), she chuckled and laughed at all the church dresses and even tried them on one by one, walking up and down the stairs for a fashion show. She kept saying, "I am going to be the best-dressed old lady in our church." There was simply no sign of fatigue and I was the one, exhausted from the 25 hours flight and jet lag.

The following morning, I was awakened at 4:00Am. Before the roosters could crow, my mother was already singing her favorite hymns. Unable to sleep and without complaint, my Papa went downstairs to the kitchen to make his coffee. Still groggy,I went to their room and joined her in singing and then she started reciting her favorite sonnets by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Then she recalled how she taught me all those declamation pieces so I could be the best literary orator in the province. We switched on to reciting her favorite poems by John Masefield and Robert Frost. I had no choice but join in. These, after all are poems she taught me to memorize as a child and as a teenager. Only, this time, she memorized the lines, much better than I could. When asked how she could still memorize these lines, she just chuckled and said, "This is how I fight Alzheimer's disease. That is one disease I would never wish to have. I am exercising my brain daily."

By 5:30 that morning, we joined Papa downstairs for our morning worship and an hour later, we were walking towards the beach for their daily morning beach walk and swim. I was just amazed at all the people they knew in their new location and all the morning greetings and respect from everyone we met at this new place. On our way home, bought hot "suman" (sweetened rice wrapped in banana leaves made with coconut milk, a dozen ripe mangoes and 2 pounds of fresh fish sold by vendors they personally know in their new neighborhood.

breakfast after the swim

freshly caught fish

After a hearty breakfast, she hastened to get dressed for the town market, a place where my Papa said she refused to go due to distance. With me, we brought home lots of food for the week.

Mama and her choice of transportation: the prettiest pedicab she can find.

In the three weeks, I spent with my parents, we were able to have a family reunion for my mother's side of the family at another island where she was reunited with three other sibblings she has not seen for years. She said, she was looking forward to my homecoming so she could ride on an airplane again plus go island hopping. And we did. We flew to one island and visited three more islands by boat and stayed at relaxing and quiet tourist-free beachside resorts. We visited 6 provinces by land. While I ached and ordered massages at least three times a week, she never complained about aches and pains in all our outings. She had a real blast.

As I look back, i can only say that I was glad I went home and spent those weeks with my mother while she can still enjoy all those excursions. My father himself could not believe she had that energy and enthusiasm and he could only thank me for it. He concluded that my visit was just the prescription she needed.

As women, we face the reality that someday, our parents are going to get old and dramatically change their lifestyles. Are we ready to accept those changes? How will we cope with them?

Here is a list of things we can do to help as suggested by David Moberg from Decision Magazine:
1. Communicate often. Keep in touch by phone, visits, and letters. Remember special occasions.
2.Respect independence. As long as possible, your parents need to make their own decisions about where and how to live.
3.Support "letting go". Help them find constructive ways to dispose of possessions. Listen to them and weep with them when they must give up their homes, their driver's licenses or their leadership skills.
4.Empathize with them. If you were in their place, how would you act and feel?
5.Encourage age reminiscing. Draw forth memories of the past and help them fit together the pieces of their experiences.
6.Listen to them. Hear the accounts of their past disappointments, accomplishments and satisfactions - even if told repeatedly - as well as the accounts of their current worries and fears, joys and hopes and delights.
. Help them find large print Bibles, enriching TV and radio programs and arrange transportation for church going.
8.Support usefulness. Seek their counsel, praise their hobbies and encourage their giving services to others.
9.Stimulate their social life. Encourage them to maintain old social relationships and to make new ones.
10.Pray for them and with them. Their physical, mental, social and material well-being is interconnected with their spiritual growth.

If you have experiences as a wife, as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister or niece or simply as a woman, please share them with us, women in our church. Let's support one another in our journey. As Christian sisters for Christ, we get to encourage one another as we share our experiences. Email them to me at raylene.baumgart@gmail.com or simply sit down with me and let me write your story.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!