Kicking the Approval Habit

One of the most insidious addictions we women struggle with is our craving for approval from others. When our need for validation gets in the way of our being who we truly are, we’re in trouble. Fueled by belief that we need their approval in order to be okay, we scurry around looking for “self”-esteem fixes from suppliers that are outside of ourselves. It doesn’t work.

Of course we all need people to appreciate us, but our primary source of approval needs to come from ourselves. The very best way to kick the approval habit is to support and approve of ourselves. This does not mean that we overlook our shortcomings or pat ourselves on the back for being nasty, but, in my many years of being a psychotherapist, I have seen very few people who err on the side of being too easy on themselves.

Authentic self-approval naturally leads to increased approval of others.

Malia attract friends like flowers attract bees. She is a heart-lifter; around her everyone feels better about themselves. She always seems to have a sincere word of praise for those4 around her.

But others are not the only recepients of her approval. She is also very self-confident and comfortable about bestowing accolades on herself. It’s not unusual for her, in an unaffected and honest way, to say something like, “ I am so proud of the way I handled that!” Asked if she had always been so kind to herself, she giggled, “Oh no! I used to be my own worst enemy, but I learned to be my own best friend instead!”

When we learn to accept who we are right now and celebrate who we are becoming, we can kick the approval habit and rely on ourselves for our best approval fixes.

I hope we can all say,
"I, WHOLEHEARTEDLY APPROVE OF MYSELF RIGHT NOW!
WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME IS THEIR CHOICE!
WHAT I THINK OF ME IS MY CHOICE!
I EASILY APPROVE OF OTHERS!"

From Words of Courage & Confidence by Sue Patton Thoele

Flip-Flopping Conclusions

It was the last Saturday night of the school year in Collegedale, Tenn. My roommate, Grace had invited me to an end-of-the year party at the Korean youth leader’s house. Of course, I went—friends free Korean food and a reason to not study for exams? Priceless. As I walked in the door of the youth leader’s house on that cloudy evening, there were already rows and rows of flip-flops radiating from the door like an eclectic fan. Carefully, I placed my brown flip-flops in an empty spot, hoping I’d remember where I’d put them. They were new, so they weren’t completely recognizable yet.

Several hours later, the party ended and a steady rain was beginning to fall outside. On my way out the door, I saw that the unthinkable had happened. My brown left flip-flop sat next to a black flip-flop. The right one was gone! I searched frantically through the quickly diminishing spread of footwear for my missing flip-flop, but all in vain. Obviously, someone had mixed them up and had taken my flip-flop instead of theirs! My supportive roommate, Grace, ran out in the rain, chasing down all the cars as they were leaving to ask them if their flip-flops matched. No luck. No one would admit to stealing my flip-flop and I had a sinking feeling that I’d never see it again. There was nothing left to do—everyone had left and I had two mismatched flip-flops. I decided to take the black flip-flop back to my apartment as collateral: it was a fancy brand, so whoever owned it would definitely want it back.

All the way back, I fumed indignantly about how dim-witted the flip-flop thief was. Couldn’t she tell the difference between black and brown? Couldn’t she feel the difference between the thin soles of my cheap $2 Walmart flip-flops and her fancy schmancy Rainbows? Back at my apartment, I told my tale of woe to Tanya, another housemate. I had just gotten to the part about the different flip-flops and showed them to her to prove how obviously different they were.

Tanya looked at them. “Wait a minute,” she said, “that’s my flip-flop.”

Sure enough, by the front door was a single black flip-flop and my missing brown one. Apparently, I had taken her flip-flop to the party, totally not noticing the difference. Whoops.

Perhaps it’s human trait to always transfer blame to others, to hunt down specks of sawdust in other people eyes to avoid the 2x4 sticking out of my own (Matt. 7:3-4). It’s a good reminder to not judge. More often than not, the judgment that I’d readily pass on others is one that applies to myself even more. Matthew 7:1-2 says, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” So, so true.

*In my defense, this incident happened on the nerve-wracking weekend before final exams and graduation. Obviously, I was extremely sleep-deprived and could not possibly be thinking clearly…

By Renee Cerovski
Photo: Grace and Renee at graduation.

Lessons from Romans 8:28

I have been hearing a lot about Romans 8:28 lately: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. I think sometimes we get too caught up in the bad part of what can happen in our lives, instead of lifting our hearts up to God to thank Him for what we have.

There are many stories about this verse, but I was looking within myself, just because I wanted this verse to be a reality in my life, and sure enough! There are so many “Romans 8:28” moments in my life I wouldn’t be able to type them all here.

Looking back, one of the first moments in my life that I experienced this (and I didn’t know it) was when I was 18 yrs-old. A friend from childhood, who was the same age as me, just turned 18 and his dad had given him a car. As he was driving back home with a couple friends from school, from their “weekend farm”, to the city where they lived, his brakes didn’t work and his car ended up underneath the back of the truck in front of him. He died instantly and the other 2 young guys were taken to the Hospital and survived the crash. My friend was the only one that died in that car accident, 18 yrs ago, and I thought it was unfair that this guy, with a bright future ahead of him, was taken away from us just in a split second.

When I went to his funeral, I couldn’t even talk; but when I saw his mom, she had this calm around her and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t a Mom then, but I couldn’t imagine how losing a son wasn’t something to destroy the world around you. In the midst of all the chaos, someone was talking to my friend’s mom and she told that person that before that accident, her son had just told her that he was so happy because he was back in the church and enjoying again God’s blessings.

That group of kids were all born as Seventh Day Adventist and we were raised going to the Academy as well, but apparently he was trying “other paths”, just away from the church. She prayed, after their conversation and told God to please keep him in His path, and do anything to, pretty much, make him stay in the church. So, she knew, this was the time when her son was following God with all his heart, and that she knew God was taking care of him. She knew Romans 8:28!!!!!

Now, as an adult, going thru a lot of things, I got to a point where I asked God: “Why am I going through all of this?” I know I made wrong choices, but I didn’t think I deserved certain things… oh well, see, all of that gave me so much hope, all the bad things I went through helped built my character and my passion and love for God even more! If things had not happened the way they did, I don’t think I would’ve looked to come back to my church, and enjoy it as much as I do now… All of that besides having two beautiful children that are my pride and joy (but of course, you know that).

At the end, it comes to my mind what my co-worker just told me about 1 hr ago: “A life without God, is like an unsharpened pencil: there is no point to it”

By Carla Gutierrez

What I Learned From Edward Tulane

I was recently tasked to help develop a program for an area school that involved the reading of a children's book. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane is a truly wonderful book. It details the fictional journey of a little china doll rabbit that starts out his life being in a very wealthy family. He is accustomed to being treated well by the little girl who owns him. His expensive clothing and stature in the family cause him to be indifferent to the needs of others. He thinks only of himself and his needs, not even caring much for the little girl who desperately loves him. His perspective on life dramatically gets refocused when, during a cross-oceanic voyage, he falls overboard and begins a worldly adventure. He is taken from family to family due to various circumstances. One family is an old couple, another are two poor children who live alone and have to fend for themselves, another is a wondering man and his dog. Through all these adventures, Edward discovers the bounty he had and how selfish he had been. Eventually he fully comes to understand that true love is what sets us free no matter what circumstances arise in life.

I must admit, I was in tears by the end of the book. It got me thinking about the ways in which we take God for granted. What if there was no God? No one to listen to me when I hurt. No one that I could count on when the going got tough. No hope of ever having any more than this life has to offer.

How does the reality of God change the way I live my life? What impact does it have on the decisions I make? How can I show God my love and devotion just because I appreciate having God?

This week I hope you find news ways to thank God for what has been given to you in this life, the opportunity to have hope in someone grander that runs the world so we don't have to.

A Land Flowing With Milk and Honey

It was March 2006, when I and my daughter (Franshelsa) migrated to America. My husband (Wilfrank) migrated two years ahead of us. At that time, we were so excited. No words can ever describe the happiness that we felt inside not only because we would be together again as a family but another important point was that, we were going to a land flowing with milk and honey (referring to America). That’s the concept most Filipinos have of America.

In the Philippines, the fact that you pass the immigration interview and you get an immigrant visa makes you smart and intelligent. It’s not easy to get an immigrant visa because of the expenses and several exams you need to take in order to get one. Only professionals or those who have money can apply. My family, especially my father were so proud of me. Everytime he talked to his friends, he always mentioned to them: “Oh, I have a daughter who is so smart. She has two degrees and now she is going to USA." The sad part was, he died before I came here.

By the time I got here, I had developed mixed feelings. We were in the airport. I was so excited to talk to the people. They looked so different, some had blonde hair and others red hair. Their skin was also different from mine. And most of them were big, fat people.

I tried to rehearse my English before I asked one of the guards, “Where is your comfort room?”. He looked at me and say, “I’m sorry?”. His face was really clueless. I tried to explain further what I meant by acting and using gestures. Then he said, “you mean a restroom?”, with a wrinkled forehead.

Another point of language confusion happened when a man seated next to me in the plane asked, “What do you do?” I din’t know what to say, I was confused because it was obvious that I was sitting next to him holding my bag. Later, I realized that he was asking about my work.

This was the first time I felt like an idiot. It is so frustrating when nobody can understand you and you cannot understand them. I tried so hard to straighten my pronounciation, remembering the short vowel, long vowel, present, past and future tenses. I had an A+ grade and even received an award as “Best in Public Speaking” in my college. But it was definitely not working for me.

The first two years were really tough. There were so many adjustments: food, lifestyle, traffic rules, communications, the use of credit cards, discrimination and differences at workplace. I was so stressed I developed a hormonal imbalance. I suffered from 30-day bleeding and asthma attacks. My daughter had a hard time adjusting to the weather. She was sick every month, even had pneumonia for two successive winters. This was the hardest time of our lives and I felt like I was about to give up. I didn't have a job but there were so many bills to pay: house mortgage, car, hospital bills, prescriptions, etc. My husband was working everyday just to keep up with the bills. I could see in his face that he was tired of working overtime. He would always say that he had to work hard because he had two million- dollar babies because of our expensive monthly prescriptions.

Everyone says that that is America - work and work and work. . . . Then the recession came and so many people lost their jobs. Children got hungry, depression rose. Now, we are facing the epidemic of swine flu. Everywhere there is flooding, earthquakes and other calamities.

But inspite of all these sufferings, I’m still thankful to God for giving me these experiences because these make me realize that God is telling me something. He is telling me that America is not the place where I am bound for. I am bound for heaven. We are all bound for heaven. We just live here temporarily. And this makes me more excited. I can’t wait to see my mansion that was prepared for me by my Father in heaven.

I know that we have milk and honey here but it’s not flowing and we still have to go to Walmart, Ukrops or any grocery store to buy it. In heaven, there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more traffic rules, no more mortgages to pay, no more sickness; only joy and happiness.

My daily petition is to see you all in heaven, with our loved ones, walking with God on the golden streets. Then the host of angels will say, “Welcome to Paradise." 2 Thessalonians 5:18 says: ”Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

By Elsa Paypa
Elsa is pictured with her daughter Frankie, and her husband Wilfrank

In the Garden

“Mom, come and look!” my 3 year old daughter calls out from her room. “It is very nice, honey”, I reply not knowing what she wants. “Things are crazy here; I don’t have time for that.” I mumbled under my breath.

My sink is full of dishes from this morning and I have to get supper ready in about an hour. The trash can has been sending me a warning of needing to go outside. It is threatening to stink up the whole house if I don’t comply. Every time when I walk by my bedroom, the overflowing laundry basket just stares at me as if asking me “when are you going to clean me up? Your husband is going to ask you for clean socks again pretty soon!” It irritates me when I faithfully make up a shopping list only to leave it at home when I go to the grocery store. “I will get to the dirty clothes when I finally have the detergent or Santa will have to delivery his present early”, I grouch. Yes, I need to finish my sewing project in time for grandma’s 90th birthday this weekend. I cannot wait to put my sewing machine away so that we can claim back our dining table. The machine has been sitting there for months and I should start charging rent. Picnic everyday is not as fun as people think!

“Now, what?”, I scream when I heard the baby cry.

Although this happened many years ago, our challenges remain today. Being a daughter of the King of the Universe and to our earthly parents, we have great responsibilities and accountability. How can I live up to God’s standard? I do feel overwhelmed at times & I don’t know what to do.

My Savior always reminds me of his words: “be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10. He would gently take my hand and lead me to his garden. We walk through the meadow together; enjoy looking at his wonderful creations. The air is filled with refreshing aromas from different plants and the whole place is covered with pleasing colors. I enjoy the sounds of the bubbling brook that runs through the garden, accompanied by the feather choir. What a magnificent orchestra!

With a loving voice my savior calls my name trying to get my attention. “Miranda, take my peace” says the Lord, “the peace that I give you is not the same as the world gives nor can money provide.” He does not promise me a rose garden but he gives me the assurance of all things because he has overcome the world. He shows me his pierced hands and tells me how much he loves me. I should not have doubt of his love; he gave up his life for me and my loved ones as well. I need not worry about their salvation but faithfully do my duties, and he will take care of the rest. He leaves me his words “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt 11: 28-30.

I do not want to leave the garden but stay there with him forever. However, Jesus encourages me to go on a little longer, for he is coming soon to take all his children with him. He invites me to come back to the garden as often as I wish and drink from his fountain of living water.

Do you have the garden experience with Jesus? It is important to take time with him so that our strength will be renewed & our hearts will be encouraged. “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” Isaiah 40: 29-31

By Miranda Cerovski
Miranda is pictured with her husband Ed.

Healing in the Outerbanks

2009 has been a challenging year for our family. Kim's dad and mine each nearly died. Dad Jones was in a Pennsylvania hospital for a month in January, and my father spent five weeks in a Richmond hospital. Then our son Coby had his open heart surgery in May/June. I had become very depressed and didn't even feel like going to church. I stopped communicating with even my closest friends.

A friend invited me to spend a week in the Outerbanks. I had never been there, and the house she rented was fabulous! I was fortunate to have a suite on the oceanfront. Every morning I was "up with the chickens" and watched the sunrise from my private deck. I walked along the beach and enjoyed the peaceful, healing sound of the waves and the shore meeting each other. Tiny little sand crabs peeked out of their holes as I went by. Pelicans swooped from the air to catch a fish for breakfast, and dolphins leaped gleefully, beckoning me to come play with them. Sandpipers and seagulls paired off in their symbiotic relationship for a never-ending meal time.

One of the most remarkable things I witnessed was a group of tiny dragonflies driving away a batch of HUGE cicadas. Thanks to the dragonflies, we were spared the sound and sight of those other, annoying insects for the entire week.

My friend and I spent a lot of time in the pool, and one morning as we chatted (wearing our sunglasses against the glare), a little dragonfly flew right over the pool and just hovered, examining us. Do you suppose he thought we were giant flies? He fought off two other dragonflies (My friend and I think they were his "mother" and "father"!) to stay with us and observe.

I know that all of these experiences were sent by our heavenly Father to drift like sand through the holes in my heart and to fill me with His grace and peace. I am healing now because of His great love.

By Lin Jones

Footprints on our Hearts

One of my favorite quotes is: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” ~Flavia Weeden

My most cherished treasures are my family and friends. God has given me the privilege to live long enough to experience the joy of being a daughter, a sister, a Mom, Frank’s wife, a “Nani” to my incredible grandchildren. Each of these family experiences have left “footprints on my heart” that will never be erased.

I realize with today’s environment that I don’t take enough time to spend with family and friends – it does means planning ahead to make those moments happen. I can’t remember experiences that I didn’t take time to be a part of – just hearing about it is not the same as experiencing it first hand.

This summer I decided to make more footprints. Spending 10 days with my grandkids and daughter left me many footprints to remember: walking down the beach, laughter & hugs, catching grasshoppers, collecting shells, watching water birds & tiny crabs run in the marshes, touching stingrays, watching dolphins, riding a scary rollercoaster & screaming, sharing family stories, Sabbath at Brookgreen gardens, spending time reading God’s word, watching sunsets together and saying WOW!

Take time to cherish your family while you have them and build relationships. We are not long upon this earth – but the legacy we leave behind are the cherished family stories & memories that encourage the ones coming after us. The “tell me a story of when you were little” times -- giving us opportunity to lock in values and lessons. What footprints will you leave or take time to experience?

By Marie Macri

Pictures: Marie's grandchildren Makayla and Mitchell this summer.

Life and Death

I’ve been working in my garden this morning cleaning up my much neglected Stella D’Oro daylilies. They were full of old dead leaves and dried out stems. As I gently removed them, much to my surprise I found new growth – new life in August! Which got me thinking about life and death. In the past year our family has experienced so much of both. On August 22 our beautiful grandson, Eden, the joy of our lives, will celebrate his first birthday. But during this year we have also lost two people we loved, my father-in-law, Jack Baier, and my sister-in-law, Rosalind Baier.

Life and Death.

When I learned that Rosalind had stage 3 ovarian cancer I purchased the book “One Month to Live”. How would your perspective change if you knew that you had only one month to live? How would you live that month? You’d probably forgive those who have hurt you, love with abandon, focus on important issues of eternal value. You would put all your energy into being the person God wants you to be. If then, why not now? The reality is that none of us are even guaranteed one month to live.

A favorite song and prayer of mine is the one by St. Francis of Assisi.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;where there is hatred, let me sow love;where there is injury, pardon;where there is doubt, faith;where there is despair, hope;where there is darkness, light;and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;to be understood, as to understand;to be loved, as to love;for it is in giving that we receive,it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

By Laurie Baier

Photo: Laurie is picture with her grandson Eden.

A Minor Celebrity Teaches a Major Lesson

Trevan got me into tennis when we first got married and I have been a huge fan ever since. For our five-year anniversary this past weekend, Trevan got us tickets to attend a couple days of the Legg Mason Tennis Classic.

We were walking around checking out all these awesome players do their warm ups on Sunday. As I turned to walk away from a court I almost bumped into Ernests Gulbis, one of my favorite players. I have been a fan of his for a year now, and although he has not had his big breakthrough yet, he has tons of potential.

A huge grin broke out on my face and I felt like a fool for being so excited. We watched him warm up with other players, and as he started to leave the court I gathered up all my courage and asked him if he would take a picture with me . . . he said YES!!

This took a lot of courage for me because I am usually very self-conscious and very aware of my lack of a claim to fame. There were many other top ten players that walked right by me and Trevan was so disappointed that I never asked any of them for a picture. It was just too much pressure.

Many times I feel like that is what it will be like in heaven. I cannot wait to meet Jesus, but somehow I know that I am not as important as other great heroes of faith, so it is too much pressure to try to ask Jesus to spend a day with me. Just as I felt it would be an inconvenience for a tennis player to have to take a picture with little me, I feel like Jesus has better people to spend His time with than little me.

Yet, I am reminded in the Bible that He knew me before I was born, and that He loved me enough to give His life for me. So, even if I have to wait millions of years in heaven before my date with Jesus, He will spend a day with me, because He loves me and I am special to Him even if I don't always feel special.

By Shari Osborn

Picture 1 - Shari and Trevan Osborn

Picture 2 - Shari and Ernests Gulbis

A Word for Women

As we begin our journey together through the world of blogging I would like to share this poem with you that I read a couple months ago. Learning to take time for ourselves is the greatest service we can give to our families, friends and to God. Feel free to comment on how this poem strikes you.

Angela's Word

"When Angela was very young
Age two or three or so,
Her mother and her father
Taught her never to say NO.
They taught her that she must agree
With everything they said,
And if she didn't, she was spanked
And sent upstairs to bed.

So Angela grew up to be
A most agreeable child;
She was never angry
And she was never wild;
She always shared, she always cared,
She never picked a fight,
And no matter what her parents said,
She thought that they were right.

Angela the Angel did very well in school
And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule,
Her teachers said she was so well-bred,
So quiet and so good,
But how Angela felt inside
They never understood.

Angela had lots of friends,
Who liked her for her smile;
They knew she was the kind of gal
Who'd go the extra mile;
And even when she had a cold
And really needed rest,
When someone asked her if she'd help
She always answered Yes.

When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife.
She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life.
She had a little girl of four
And a little boy of nine,
And if someone asked her how she felt
She always answered, "Fine".

But one cold night near Christmastime
When her family was in bed,
She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through
her head;
She didn't know why, and she didn't know how,
But she wanted her life to end;
So she begged Whoever put her here
To take her back again.

And then she heard, from deep inside,
A voice that was soft and low;
It only said a single word
And the word it said was . . . NO.

From that moment on, Angela knew
Exactly what she had to do.
Her life depended on that word,
So this is what her loved ones heard:

NO, I just don't want to;
NO, I don't agree;
NO, that's yours to handle;
NO, that's wrong for me;
NO, I wanted something else;
NO, that hurt a lot!
NO, I'm tired, NO I'm busy,
And NO, I'd rather not!

Well, her family found it shocking,
Her friends reacted with surprise;
But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes;
For they've held no meek submission
Since that night three years ago
When Angela the Angel
Got permission to say NO.

Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife.
She knows where she begins and ends,
She has a separate life.
She has talents and ambitions,
She has feelings, needs and goals.
She has money in the bank and
An opinion at the polls.

And to her boy and girl she says,
"It's nice when we agree;
But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow
To be all you're meant to be.
Because I know I'm sometimes wrong
And because I love you so,
You'll always be my angels
Even when you tell me NO."

By Barbara K. Bassett